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8.16.2005
Marriage is weird. Yeah, weird. I know I'm going to make a lot of people angry by writing about this but that's not the point. My purpose is to get you to think about it. If you're married, you can tell me how great it is and how you'll never get divorced and life has its ups and downs but the 'married life' is worth it. That's what all Marrieds say -- until it falls apart. So please spare me that speech, I've heard it and part of me hopes you're right. But I strongly feel that you are wrong. I won 't believe it, I just can't right now. So you're wondering why, why don't I believe in this marriage stuff?
It's a functional way of living: You have two incomes, not just the one; two people to raise the kid(s) if there are any; time is less strained; there's someone there, in theory, to help you when you're sick, feeling low, financially screwed, whatever else may come along; you have that secure feeling of forever; you don't have to worry about dating anymore; you can shave you legs less, you can burp and fart and be disgusting any time you want at home; you have your own family unit.
Neat.
We all know marriage is more than that. It's also fighting and compromising and refusal to compromise and failure to meet expectations and coming across a whole new set of expectations from everyone outside your marriage and. . . and so much more. You're supposed to say 'we' not 'I'; you're always going to deal with the questions about why you aren't having kids, when you are having them, why you never had them, how many you have, how many went to college. Moms are expected to be super social super moms who drive the kids around in their big SUVs and talk to other moms they barely know about soccer tryouts and butt blasters and thigh masters. Dads are expected to scare off boys, punish the littluns, be the authority. Even now, even now this whole nuclear family concept prevails. And less than half of the families in the U.S. are even modeled like this.
We have step families, gay families, fatherless families, motherless families, families with no parents at all, transgendered parents, couples who never plan on having kids, couples who can't adopt because they can't afford it, families that consist of one person and thirteen cats, families that have no blood relations whatsoever but an unshakeable bond.
Some people call this change in the family structure a problem with society. We're morally corrupt and we've lost sight of "god" or we are just too selfish to stick to the rules. The rules. Because, when you get down to it, isn't marriage a set of rules?
I mean sure, you are declaring your love and committment to someone. You are going to make it last for the rest of your lives -- or at least that's the plan. Or maybe you just want to become a United States citizen, or just shut your mom and dad up about how you'll never get married, or you're doing it because you know it will help you financially. . . Yep, people get married for those reasons, too. It's not always romance.
(Are you starting to see why I have a problem with this? )
Let's talk about divorce for a second. About half, probably a lot more than half by now, of marriages in America result in divorce. Now, a lot of people think this is a terrible thing. But really, when you look at why a lot of people got married in the first place, it makes sense. And it's probably a good idea for the couple to part. Especially if they got married because she was pregnant, or because they fell in love at first sight and barely knew each other, or because one was just so upset and ready to leave unless there were a wedding to keep her there, or because they just felt they were together so long it was just time to take the plunge.
I have this theory that if more people step back and seriously contemplate why they want to marry and who they want to marry, there would be a lot less divorce because a lot less people would marry for the wrong reasons. A lot less people would be disappointed in what they took home.
Now, that's the general "in a nut shell version" covering my views on marriage. There's a lot more. For example, why should I bother signing up for marriage when it still excludes same-sex couples? You'd think that the overwhelming numbers of same-sex families would make a difference in the legal definition of marriage. But it hasn't. People are trying to change it but hey, look at all the opposition . . . from people who value the nuclear family above all else and grew up in a heterosexist society and never bothered to understand why people who aren't heterosexual would want to marry the loves of their lives and feel that secure safe feeling of having their own family, officially.
I can keep going, if you'd like.
Posted at 11:20:01 am by TheKaren
 | | | Jasmin
August 16, 2005 07:19 PM PDT
Speaking as the Married of the Hopf crowd, I can see where you're coming from and respect your position.
I honestly believe that marriage is a funciton for those who want to have children. The government lets you keep more of your money if you make more little people. Little people, according to religion, require their parents to have been married in the eyes of "God" in order to become healthy adults.
I believe that it takes a village to raise a child, and that village starts with two adults. Someone there to pay attention.
So Karen, I'll leave it at this: you don't have to get married, ever. You officially have my permission. But only because I love you. | |
| | | CuriouslyMad
August 16, 2005 10:39 PM PDT
I totally agree with your assessment that the way to stop the high divorce rate would be to stop the stupid marriages. If people were more careful in the first place about who and why they marry, they wouldn't be getting divorced ten years later, dragging their children through it, landing themselves in ridiculous debt.
I also tend to believe, for me, I don't think I'd ever get married again. I think it's good when you have small children, and other than that, not necessary. That's not to say it's bad, or good. If a person wants to get married, good- they should. (assuming they have a good partner, etc). I'm saying that even if I ever find a good partner for myself, I don't think marriage would be of much interest to me. I'll never have young children again, and that's what *I* see it as most useful for.
However, if my partner felt strongly about it, I could be swayed. I'm not strongly against it, I just don't see the point. I can be equally comitted without the legality.
Of course you do get legal benefits like power of attorney in cases of serious illness, and half ownership of property, insurance benefits, and others. (This is why same sex marriages should be legal- so everyone has the opportunity to enjoy the benefits.)
But, don't be against "marriage." YOUR marriage can be anything you want it to be. You aren't hurting "marriage's" feelings by not participating. It's a tool, an option, a legal situation.
It's *people* who are making it a meaningless institution. And even if every other married couple in the world were just a joke, that wouldn't automatically make *your* marriage a joke.
It is what you make it. | |
| | | Deirdre
August 19, 2005 09:05 AM PDT
I have a great marriage and wouldn't want it any other way.
I think to really understand how great *any* union is, you'd have to be in one.
Too many people give too many things a bad name. Marriage being one of them.
You made valid points. I think the key is uniting with the right person for the right reasons to start with.
:o) | |
| | | chrysalis
October 27, 2006 05:41 PM PDT
Deirdre is fortunate. The rest of us aren't. Marriage is fine but as ffar as I'm concerned, it was a 24 year mistake. If I had it to do all over again I'd be a serial monogamist. Maybe I'd find the right woman, but nobody sould force me to assume that this girl or that girl is the one for me for life. Who knows what'll happen years from now? Maybe she turns into a cold unfeeling bitch like the one I married. | |
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